Stop Holding Yourself Back. Be You…Not Your Group

I’ve read a number of books recently – both fiction and non-fiction -  about some amazing people, all of whom were brave enough to break the molds of their expected life paths, and forge their own pathways.  In most of the books the characters were in their twenties when they made these decisions, challenging social and family mores and often ending up temporarily ostracized for their choices.  Painful?  Yes.  Satisfying for the protagonist? Yes.  Inspirational? Absolutely. I love seeing strong individuals overcome challenges, live true to their hearts and succeed.  I wish that more people today were brave enough to know their pathways and pursue them even if the path might be difficult.

But these are just books you say? Real life doesn’t work like that?  Well, all but two books were either historical fiction or fiction based on heavy research of the time period, so grounded in facts. And,  GIFTED HANDS by Dr. Ben Carson, was an autobiography of someone who went from being the worst student in the 4^th grade to one of the leading neurosurgeons of our time, and Ron Chernow’s ALEXANDER HAMILTON was a tome that detailed how a poor orphan from a Caribbean Island became one of the most influential figures in the history and structure of this country.  

 Impressive to me in each case was the courage displayed by these individuals challenging social and family mores in order to do what they believed was right for them.  Young women were encouraged to find a nice young man and get married but instead the characters in the books became spies in German occupied France in World War 1, or the owner and visionary for a significant farm in the 1960s, or a surgical nurse on the front lines in the Vietnam War.  Carson wasn’t supposed to be the top student in his class. Hamilton wasn’t supposed to succeed at anything given his social standing.

Molds can be broken.   Social mores can be challenged.  In order to do it, individuals must view themselves as individuals rather than shackled by their affinity group, be it gender, race, nationality or otherwise. 

Ironically, the recent cultural leanings want to individuals to express their unique identity through pronoun selection or even gender selection, yet there is a lot of social pressure by those same individuals to expect ethnic and gender groups to behave based on group stereotypes, in particular when it comes to the upcoming election. Women are expected to vote for the female candidate in a show of solidarity, and minority groups such as Hispanics, Jews and Blacks are expected to vote Democratic just because that’s what the majority of those groups have historically done. 

Groupthink cannot co-exist with individuality.

The pressure to fit a mold and adhere to society’s group labels is antithetical to the American Dream, which allows that any individual from any background has the ability to pursue and hopefully achieve success, however success might be defined by the individual. (I specifically don’t want to say success is all about money.) Yet, these group labels hold people back from achieving their dream if they somehow feel guilt that they are turning their backs on some falsely assigned affinity group.

 Think about it. We…

…historically assumed women must be demure and secondary to men. False

…assume blacks are all the same in their world view. False

…assume women should blindly support other women just because they’re women, no matter the abilities or demonstrated skills. False

…similarly assume blacks should support blacks.. Hispanics should support Hispanics and Jews should support Jews. False

…assume blacks are all the same and that Hispanics are all the same. False.  That would be like saying Whites are all the same, but no one would agree that someone from Norway has the same cultural values and world view as someone from Australia.. or that Californians are the same as those from Wyoming. So why assume that someone from Mexico is the same as someone from Peru or Honduras?  Or that someone from Jamaica is the same as someone from Chad or Botswana?

 How can we be individuals when pressured to fall in line with the group?

These very popular books tell the stories of incredible people and characters, yet societally people seem to continue to be stuck in their ruts and fearful of pursuing their true paths.  People want to fantasize about super heroes overcoming the odds, but it’s easier to stay safe than take a risk in real life.  It’s easier to be a victim and blame others for holding you back rather than realize that you are choosing to be a victim instead of making the hard choice of pursuing your dream.  It’s fun to dream about someone else stepping out for themselves, but frightening to do it for yourself. 

Why must we be constrained by the assumptions we are making about what is expected. Why must we label? In a society that is increasingly full of self -entered people, why are so many of them afraid to actually be individuals?

If I asked you what your dream is would you know it?  That’s ok.  Every character in these books – real or fictional – had no idea what their path was until they were faced with the need to make a decision.  Some people have their dream from a very young age, but most people don’t. They don’t choose a path until they are at a crossroads and confronted with a choice. 

Victoria, the young girl in GO AS A RIVER was forced to make a choice when the government announced they would be building a dam that would flood her town – and farm. Frankie in THE WOMEN enlists as an Army nurse after her brother is killed in Vietnam. Alexander Hamilton jumped from opportunity to opportunity, knowing from the start that he wanted a better life for the people in our fledgling country.  None of them dreamed of what their future held.. they made choices as opportunities arose that were consistent with their internal values and moral compass.

We need to trust our inner voices and moral compass and know that we are individuals – not groups, not labels.  It’s easy to understand those pressures of groupthink and the fears of retribution should your vision not fit those of the masses. But there’s a price to pay. Living based on peer pressure rather than true to your core pushes your suppressed desires into your body creating frustration and inner angst.

Trust yourself. Believe in yourself.  Be yourself.

BTW if you want to read the books with the strong female protagonists, here they are…

Go as A River, by Shelley Read - about a young girl who defies her community and societal expectations to forge her future and protect her family’s farming heritage.

 Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus - about a female chemist in the 1960s who breaks the molds of scientist, wife and mother in order to stay true to her intellectual integrity.

The Alice Network, by Katie Quinn - about a spy ring of women in World War 1 who put their lives on the line to defy the Germans in occupied France and Belgium.

The Women, by Kristen Hannah about a woman who defies her family’s values and becomes an extraordinary surgical nurse in Viet Nam.